I worry about you.
I am thankful everyday for you but I worry about you.
You spend all your days and nights worrying about me and the kids, you hardly have the time to take proper care of yourself. I go to bed every night praying that tonight will be the night you sleep well but, that night has not yet come. I feel you wake up every 3 hours or so, tossing and turning and sighing and groaning as silently as you can. I pretend to roll over in my sleep and reach out for you, holding you as long as my tired arms will allow it. I feel your heart rate steadily drop and the tension in your tall, broad and strong body leave you as you find your way back to me. To here. Our bed. Our home. Our safe place.
I made sure today that you woke up to the smell of freshly baked bread and grilled sausages and an already fed set of 5 year old twin boys and a lovely, yet troublesome, 2 year old girl. I hear you slowly make your way downstairs, into the kitchen, and the sight of that smile, the one that momentarily stopped my heart all those many moons ago when I first laid eyes on you, takes my breath away even now. You kiss me good morning, placing an arm around my not so svelte body and whisper how beautiful I am. I blush and reach up to hold your face in my hands. Though the frown lines are almost permanently etched into your face I do sense a little bit of life and spark in those lovely brown eyes of yours. The kids notice your presence and run as fast as they can from the living room to come and greet you.
'Can we go to the park now, dad? You promised to take us to the park today'.
'Yes, dad. I too remember this promise'.
'Par daddy! Par!'
You smile and pick little Ruth up and tell them all to get ready to go out. I attempt to get the boys showered and dressed but you tell me not to worry, that you will handle it. And that you've run me a bath so I should go enjoy that. Tears creep into my eyes, daring to pour out but I manage to keep my emotions in check and head upstairs as quickly as I can.
Once we are all fed and showered and dressed, we make our merry way to the park. The boys, each holding their favourite toy, James a frisbee and John a football, are way ahead of us; their energy doubling the closer we get to the park. You hold my and Ruth's hand as we trail gleefully behind.
I make a beeline for the nearest bench as you and the kids break free and run amok, playing with the leaves and chasing each other as you play tag. I smile as I watch you make castles out of the green-brown leaves with Ruth and see how relaxed you seem. I catch your eye and you wink at me.
My heart flutters.
I rest my hand on my ever-growning tummy and whisper to our most anticipated Christmas gift, 'I can't wait for you to join our little gang of mischief'. I can't help but feel incredibly blessed. I close my eyes and silently thank God for answering all my prayers and giving me much more than I deserve.
I want everyday to be like our days in the park. You laughing, the kids spending quality time with you and the man I fell in love with many suns ago winning the battle against his more worrisome self. I know you are anxious and uncertain of your ability to provide for our growing family, especially now with me being a stay-at-home-mum, but I really hope that you get to have more days like today so that you can enjoy all that we have accomplished so far.
You make your way over to me, the kids hot on your heels. You place a hand on our bump and kiss me long and hard, much to the kids disgust. We laugh and I tell you I love you. You smile that smile that melted my heart many days and arguments and date nights and PTA meetings and make-up sex ago and tell me you love me too. You pull me towards you and wrap an arm around me as we sit on the bench and watch the kids go off and play in the leaves some more. I feel how relaxed your body is and how steady your breathing is and I close my eyes, enjoying this moment.
Yes, I really wish everyday to be like our days in park as we so fortunate to be having them at all.
Happy Thanksgiving & Happy Hanukkah!